Free PDF Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, by Esther Perel
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Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, by Esther Perel
Free PDF Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, by Esther Perel
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Review
“Her advice is refreshingly counterintuitive.” (Salon.com)“Mating in Captivity...articulates a poignant and unacknowledged modern crisis for the first time.” (The Evening Standard (London))“An elegant sociological study, complete with erudite literary and anthropological references.” (Daily Telegraph (London))“A charming blend of wit and wisdom...this book will give you a fresh perspective on long-term love.” (Gold Coast Bulletin (Australia))“Well argued points written with considerable eloquence.” (Jerusalem Post)“This is a brave book...refreshing.” (The Times Higher Education Supplement)“So honest it hurts.” (Irish Times)“An excellent book, full of provocative prose and entertaining case illustrations.” (Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy)
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From the Back Cover
One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.
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Product details
Paperback: 272 pages
Publisher: Harper Paperbacks; Reprint edition (October 10, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 9780060753641
ISBN-13: 978-0060753641
ASIN: 0060753641
Product Dimensions:
5.3 x 0.6 x 8 inches
Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.5 out of 5 stars
576 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#1,734 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
This is a really, really great book on navigating relationships and is great for both couples and singles. Based on the title you may think it is all about sex. However, to me, it is all about maintaining "who you are" and a healthy amount of independence or distance within the relationship so that the spark and passion stays strong between you. A spark doesn't happen without a bit of distance that it can arc across. This is true for passion and interest in relationships too.The book is written by a European who has been living in the U.S. and working as a therapist here for years. Through her background she has identified key issues in the way we handle relationships in the U.S. that are actually killing the passion. It does also discuss the differences between one partner and another in relation to passion, sexual interest, and general interest and gives suggestions on how to find a workable plan if those differences aren't changeable.The author discusses how our U.S. culture encourages complete enmeshment with our partners - so there are no secrets, no boundaries, nothing personal or private away from your partner. The problem with this is that you need to keep your individuality intact in order for a relationship to keep it's spark. It is our differences, the mystery of the "other" that creates passion. Without this you'll be hard pressed to have passion in your relationship. If you do everything with your partner, what new do you have to discuss and share? If you are in the bathroom while your partner does their most unpleasant business, how do you then turn around and see them in a passionate way? (my example, not the author's) This enmeshment is not common abroad. It is better understood overseas that you need to maintain independence and a level of mystery in order to keep passion burning. Significantly more marriages fail in the U.S. than abroad and perhaps this is why.By keeping your independence and NOT being an open book who does nothing without your partner you maintain the mystery and interest needed for passion. A passionate marriage is a happy and fulfilling marriage. Don't give up your favorite things or your activities with friends. Make time to go out with your best friends without your partner. Did you have a favorite activity pre-partnership that you never do anymore? Go do it - alone or with friends. Don't make every activity be with your partner - it's just too much. Then, when you come together you have different things to share, unique experiences and that difference, the mystery is intact. The author explains this whole concept so much better than I do - you really must read this book. I'd say it is my favorite book on relationships - and I read tons of books on that kind of thing(I'm in a doctorate of psychology program).There are, of course, individual differences in passion levels, sexual interest levels, and personal activity levels as well. These differences, and how to find a workable plan to satisfy those differences, are also discussed in the book. Essentially it tells you how to optimize the passion and interest, and then work from there to find a place that meets both partner's intimacy level needs.Summary: The U.S. has a different perspective on how relationships ought to be compared to abroad. The U.S. also has a significantly higher rate of divorce and relationship unhappiness. The premise of this book is that we become too enmeshed with our partner and lose our individuality. This kills passion, which needs difference and mystery to exist. This is understood abroad and relationships are handled differently there. The book demonstrates this theory through easy to read client examples and offers suggestions on how to return independence and passion to a relationship.
Got to this book late and am I glad for it. When it came out I was newly remarried and didn't need and wouldn't have heard the message. But seven years into a mid-life marriage I needed tips on answering Ester Perel's Big Question (from her excellent TED Talk): Can you want what you already have? Her answer seemed to be as I read: Sure you can. But it's work. And you better understand what's going on first.Add to this that my whole arousal system of mind, body, soul and sex is older, as I'm in my mid 60s. Love what she said when asked how many times she'd been married: "Four. To the same man." This woman and mom and wife and therapist and speaker of 6 languages not only reinvented herself to stay hot for her man but to stay interesting for her two teen children living with mom/dad as a foursome. Yes, sex as a family value. From Belgium and Israel, her husband and two kids live or lived together when she wrote this from their flat in NYC. It's one thing to write how to stay hot for each other while married; it's another to pull it off and then even be able to communicate the complex system that makes it possible.I gave one to a peer guy friend and one to my son. It's that good and helpful. They say when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Don't read this book too soon. Or too late either. But buy three copies and get ready. I say.
A friend asked me why he found sex with his wife "routine". He said he loved his wife and having sex with her still felt good, but he didn't feel "turned on". Instead, he found himself fantasizing about sex with other women. This book answers that question completely and helps one explore the contradictions and congruity of love and sexuality.
Fascinating and enlightening. This is one of those books that make you better, educated, happier, confident and much more if you read this with a very open mind. Perel offers great insight into human desire -- for love, sex, connection, space -- and how we tend to thwart the very intimacy we crave by applying judgement to our desires. I haven't read a better reason to be hopeful that long term relationships can maintain, even increase, passion and desire than this.
Read it. If you can't read it, read the last chapter or two. However, I believe everyone who cares about their relationship or their own health will find themselves in a few of the many examples. The overall message of the duality or tension of the long term relationship and the distance needed for eroticism seems so obvious after having read this. There are many brilliant observations in this book, but I would also recommend the many lectures that the author has given which appear on YouTube, including her TED talks. I listened to a few before reading the book and a few after reading the book. It's funny how they made so much more sense after reading the book.
If a book could save your marriage, this would be it! It has excellent advice about how to think about your intimate partnerships that will actually lead to real changes in the relationships. My sisters and I have all read this book as part of our family book club and can report much better marriages because of Esther Perel's advice. Nothing is a quick fix, but one step in a new direction can take you to new places. I recommend this book to everyone who wants a better intimate relationship--especially if you are willing to do the hard work of looking at your own actions and making small changes to be a better partner.
I think there is tremendous value in Perelman's insight that intimacy--marked by safety, closeness, and familiarity--and desire--marked by space, mystery, and risk-taking--are two distinct things. They not necessarily be opposed for many of us (thank God), but they are not the same, and need to be cultivated differently if we want to have a long term relationship marked by both loving security and erotic passion.
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